Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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