Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
