just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
