Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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