She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
