The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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