Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
