I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
time to smoke my breakfast
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
