we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
