who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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