I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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