i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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