You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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