I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We are all done wearing pants today
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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