nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
