I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
