I'm so fucking centered right now
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
