I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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