Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Please, let me fuck your mom
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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