My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
