I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
