In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
