Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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