It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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