Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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