He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
