the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm just crazy horny about you
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
