Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
