I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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