Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
