he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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