but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
