take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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