Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
