Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
