Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
