Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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