he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
