She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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