it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
