her facebook's as public as her vagina
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
