i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
