a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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