By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
