i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
