Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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