so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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