i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
