Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
