Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
