i was born a porn star she said
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
